I’ve never been “into” New Year’s Resolutions. More often than not, the goals are things like losing weight, stopping a bad habit, or buying a new and expensive luxury item. My newsfeed is filled with gym selfies, “join my MLM team” posts, and food…lots of food. By February, those posts are less than half of what they were in January. By March, New Year’s Resolutions seems to have slipped everyone’s minds entirely and it’s back to eating out, couch surfing, and life as usual.
This year, however, something new caught my attention. I originally saw it from a mother I follow closely in one of my many facebook groups. She chose one word to represent her entire goal for 2016 and expanded from there. I found it inspiring. Many of her items on her list were one’s of self love, self care, and patience. None of them were stereotypical of a New Year’s Resolution. Her list was beautiful, empowering, and moved me. So, I decided to make my own. After some quiet thought with myself, here is what I came up with.
My word for this year will be: RESTORE
I will RESTORE my body:
-I want to find a physical activity that I enjoy. This activity will not be with a goal to “lose weight” or “get in shape”. This will be an activity to feed my soul. An activity that I do alone. One that I do as an expression of love and nourishment for my current body.
-I want to see a chiropractor regularly. I still have lasting effects from my extremely difficult pregnancy and birth. Lasting pain, both physical and otherwise. My pelvis still painfully pops from the SPD. My incision still hurts regularly. My neck and shoulders ache from breastfeeding in less than ideal positions with twin toddlers. My body carried, built, and kept two human beings alive for 36 weeks and has been nourishing them for nearly 18 months after that. It deserves care and attention.
-I want to actually find a routine that feeds my body appropriately. I am currently eating nearly or more than 3,000 calories a day and I am barely barely hanging onto 105-110 pounds. In two years I have gone from a healthy 120 pounds, up to 185 pounds when I was 36 weeks, and down to 105 pounds. I do not feel healthy, strong, or confident in this weight. It is obvious to me that my body is not taking in enough to ideally nourish all parts of myself. I have been looking into protein powders, additions to food to increase protein and fat, changing my type of food intake throughout the day, making sure I am taking in enough water, etc.
I will RESTORE my mind:
-I want to start seeing a therapist for postpartum PTSD, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum depression. I have not discussed this in my blog yet and am not ready to go into detail yet. At some point in 2016, I am sure I will, though. My 2015 was clouded and muddied and suffocated by these three ailments. I did not have the privilige of seeking counseling in 2015 and am determined to do so in 2016.
-I am too attached to my phone. Between blogging, facebook, admining groups, my Etsy shop, couponing, apps for couponing, and keeping in touch with other moms through texts and Facebook message, my phone is out entirely too much. This will probably be the most difficult task of 2016, but I already have some plans in place for this. My husband and I have figured out designated work times for me to blog, make blankets, manage my Etsy shop, and other work related tasks. I will be doing this without the presence of the girls so that I can focus entirely on being productive and have no distractions. This will allow me to overall spend more valuable time with the girls and my husband because I am not distracted by the things I need to do for work.
-I want to find out who I am. My entire life these past two years has been about the girls. Work was my whole life before them. I worked over 100 hours a week and loved every single solitary second of what I did. When I was strictly forbidden from work as soon as they found out I was having twins at 9 weeks and 5 days, I felt like life itself was taken from me. My work gave me drive and energy and confidence and motivation. It made me feel valuable, like I had an impact on people…like I was making a difference. Christmas was eye opening for me because I had no idea what to ask for. The only thing’s I could think of were space. I wanted space to go get coffee with friends. I wanted space to build my Etsy shop and to blog uninterrupted. I wanted space to read alone. I wanted space to shower more regularly without feeling rushed. I wanted space to go for a walk and be in quiet beauty of nature. But that is not who I am. That is survival, not living. I could not think of one single INTEREST I had that had nothing to do with the girls, the house, or survival. Not one. So, this year, I want to find that.
I will RESTORE my safety:
-My husband and I have a goal to move in this year of 2016. We have been in a transition stage since we relocated from California back to New England and I do not feel safe where I am living now. Relocating to California in 2009 was for my safety and returning has brought up a lot of feelings that I had long since put away. Our goal is to move into a single family home. We wish to have a fenced in yard with direct access from the house, enough space for our large crew, and that space to feel big so that we can feel comfortable growing our family further. Ideally, I will have enough space to eventually add chickens to our little zoo, as well as set up large decked out kennels for our dogs…particularly our outside loving and rather large Husky/Malamute mix. Relocating to a safe place will allow me to breathe again…to take walks with my kids…to be able to run to the local corner store without legitimate intense fear…to live as I did in California.
-An easy task in this adventure is to get a PO Box. This won’t happen until after we relocate so that I don’t have to pay for one twice. But having a PO Box will enable me to keep my address private, thus increasing the safety I feel in our new location.
-I want to write a will with my husband. In the worst case scenario of our demise, I want to make sure that the girls are taken care of the way we wish for them to be cared for. I want to make sure that the people in their lives as a result of our demise are the people that we want involved in their lives….and the people we don’t want are kept far away.
I will RESTORE my relationships:
-My husband and I have a goal to spend quality time together each night after the girls go to sleep. We have been working really, really hard the past 4 months or so to get a better nap and bedtime routine down. For their whole lives, I had to go to bed when they did because transferring them to the bed and leaving the room was downright impossible. This meant that my husband and have literally had no time alone together since before the girls were born. That is not easy. Now that the girls are sleeping without me there for 2-3 hours after nursing them to sleep, my husband and I have been able to revisit our time together. We watch shows together on Netflix, eat dinner, clean up together, or just sit and talk. It has been really really nice and I am hoping the 18 month sleep regression doesn’t ruin that. Fingers crossed!
-I want to practice conscious mothering. My only goal as a Mom is to raise children that don’t have to recover from their childhood. I am having to recover from my childhood. Breaking that cycle is the hardest thing I have ever done. Not because I want to hurt my kids…I would never hurt my kids. Never. It’s the undertones, the ingrained beliefs, the brainwashing that resurfaces and rears its ugly head in the oddest of ways. THAT is what is hard. It’s being patient when you want to run away. It’s being compassionate when you feel frustrated. It’s being loving when you feel angry. It’s being understanding and aware of developmentally appropriate behavior when you know you were injured, degraded, and abused for those very same behaviors. It’s seeing how much you love your children with your whole being and really truly knowing the depth of your loss in a whole new light. This is why I want to constantly strive to be a more conscious, patient, gentle, attachment parent. The cycle ends with me.
-I will be letting go of friendships in my life that do not benefit me. If a friendship does not make me happy, does not fuel me, does not offer give and take of support, love, caring, nurturing, and abundance, then it is not worth having. Furthermore, I want to take that energy I have been spreading far too thin on far too many acquaintances and consolidate it into being a better and more fruitful friend for those who DO make my life more full through their participation.
I will RESTORE my drive:
-I am so happy to have a purpose outside of changing diapers, doing laundry, and nursing babies again. This type of work feeds my soul. It’s how I breathe. It’s how I flourish. I am very excited that I will be announcing some awesome changes with Double Crunch very soon! My goal in 2016 is to sell 50 beautiful, custom hand made blankets. Fifty people who will wrap up in the hours of my handiwork. Five hundred toes kept warm by my diligence. That’s a nice warm goal. 🙂
-I want to blog at least once a week. I am SO enjoying blogging! Now that I have a work scheduled figured out with my husband, I look forward to much more time letting my fingers fly across the keyboard. I hope you will follow my ramblings. 🙂
-And finally, I want to re-launch The Survivors’ Ink Project. I have some big plans and my husband and I are working hard to get them ironed out so we can re-launch the project entirely.
With all of these goals and aspirations, 2016 is looking to be a wonderful and filled year. I absolutely cannot wait to get started.
What are your goals for 2016? Share with me in the comments below!